Light's Letter to Fan Fiction

To my Barely Tolerated Fan Fiction Writers,

Get a life so you can stop being so obsessed with mine!

Honestly, what is up with you people? You're all worse than Misa – I'm sure you know that is probably the worst insult I could give. And I reserved it especially for you. That's right. You. The weird little introvert who thinks anime characters love you back and who sits at her computer all day long writing and reading fan fiction. You make me sick.

First of all, why do you all hate me so much? Yeah, I killed L, but I died too! And I don't see any of you hating on Ryuk or Matsuda! Besides, we're all dead now anyway, and guess what? L and I made up. We're all friends now. No Kira, no rivalry. Quit fueling a fight that died years ago. It's over and done. Deal.

And another thing; why is it such an enjoyable experience for you to make fun of me? My clothes, my hair (I am not copying Justin Bieber, goddammit! He copied me! I was born before him!), my ideals, my name.

Yes, we get it – my last name backwards is Imagay. Haha, lol, rofl, lmao – get over it.

First of all, my name is written in Japanese. So your jokes about me being teased at school for my name are baseless. The idiots at my so-called 'academy' were hardly capable of speaking English forwards, much less backwards. Their simple minds would never understand that joke. Only you English people would. And it's not even that funny! C'mon, get a little creative. It's the same thing, over and over. Can somebody try and come up with something new and unique for a change? And I'm not gay, for Kira's sake!

Which leads me to the next segment of this rant – I mean, letter. The next segment of this friendly, polite complaint letter.

Yaoi.

In fact, even hetero pairings I hate. Let's give you an overview of some of my most-detested pairings.

Ryuk-x-Me: I now realize I was wrong. I shouldn't have used my Death Note to kill off criminals. I should've used it to kill freaks like you who support this creepy, jacked-up pairing. He's a freaking god of death! I can get any chick I want with a couple words and a look – why in the world would I sink to his level?! You have insulted me deeply. Walk away in shame.

Matsuda-x-Me: Believe it or not, I have seen this. As if I would date that idiot. That shot me. And stopped me from writing fucking Near's name and then killing you all!

Me-x-Misa: Never. Just, never. I only pretended so I could use her eyes – get that through your head!

Me-x-Takada: The only female in this series who's not a complete idiot. Nonetheless, she's a whore. Light Yagami doesn't need whores. Whores pay Light Yagami to sleep with them, not the other way around.

And now, probably one of the most popular pairings on here:

L-x-Me: Fist of all – we were enemies. People seemed to get confused when L said I was his first friend. He didn't mean it! We absolutely loathed each other! Think of the person you hate more than anyone else on this earth… now think about random people writing you into sex scenes with that person. Now how does it feel?

I'll admit, there may have been a couple… incidents when we were chainmates, but give me a break! A guy has his needs, okay? What was I supposed to do? Use Misa? While L was still on the other end of that handcuff? I don't think so.

And maybe, now that we're dead, there are still some incidents… sometimes… when we're drunk… can dead people get drunk? And anyway, those don't mean anything! And this isn't denial! Shut up and leave me alone, stupid yaoi fangirls.

I guess what bugs me most is that you usually have L as seme. I mean why? Why does the creepy, pale, hunched-back guy get to be the dominant one? Where is the logic in that?! And isn't he the one you guys always say is cute anyway? Isn't the cute one supposed to be the uke? It's because you like him more than me, isn't it? You like him more than me, so you make me be the one to have that… that thing shoved up my ass. Why do you people seem to find that idea so romantic? You're like porn addicts, but you think it's okay because it's two guys and it's writing. It's still pornographic! Disgusting…

But Mary Sues are even worse. Sorry, but I am not going to meet some random girl in gothic Lolita fashion with big, strangely colored eyes who suddenly appears in the Death Note universe and is totally "kawaii" (I hate it when you say that, by the way) and fall in love with her. And she is not going to be torn by her decision to either be on L's side or mine and which one to date because we're both totally in love with her (now you're getting Death Note mixed up with Twilight), even though I can only really love myself and L is either gay or asexual (still not sure), and she is not going to find out there's something special about her (angel, demon, shinigami princess – take your pick) and somehow change the end of Death.

If I had control of those stories, I'd kill the bitches! Yes, that was very un-Light-like of me to say, but those annoying Mary Sues don't deserve to exist. The all need to be taken to a burning room, or maybe I can specify some really horrible cause of death in the notebook. If only I had my notebook…

Anyway, I would much rather be with L or even Matsuda – hell, I would sleep with Ryuk before I would give the time of day to those stupid Mary Sues. Seriously, you people completely ruining the integrity, the genius, the work of art that is Death Note! I –

I have to go. Matsuda was reading over my shoulder. I think he saw the part about me sleeping with him. He's giving me a really creepy look right now. Lord, please save me from Matsuda-rape.

I blame fan fiction!

~Sincerely yours,

Light Yagami

PS: Keep writing and your name goes in my Death Note. Kira sees all.